Falling Clocks Syndrome

As much as I hope to champion the advantages of being an introvert, I am also the first to admit to its downfalls.

Introverts tend to be extremely analytical. Of course, this is a beneficial attribute to have, but other times it can be tortuous. The second I have a moment alone or am doing some mundane task like highway driving, I become totally lost in my thoughts.

Thinking isn't necessarily a bad thing. Let's face it, far too many people do far too little thinking. The problem lies in what I think about. I don't think about what I should eat for dinner, plan my next vacation or when I need an oil change. Instead, I spend hours pondering life's complexities; from the origin of the world, to religion, to death. Anything unanswerable...you name it, I think about it.

Sometimes it's nice to feel intellectual and theorize, and I do enjoy deep thinking. And it certainly is something I do not wish

to stop completely. But often I feel like Alice in Wonderland falling through the rabbit hole with ticking clocks and the Cheshire Cat mocking me. It's unnerving that I focus so much energy on questions that lack answers. My deep thinking can even work me up to the point of making me anxious when I can't explain these mysteries.

One solution would be to express my ideas and chat with others about them, and this is exactly the type of conversation I excel in. Yet, after more than a few strange looks and raised eyebrows, I've discovered that most people don't share my interest. So my theories on time and life after death are kept to myself, resulting in a rare but glaring feeling of loneliness and futility. When my thoughts get to the point of resulting in these feelings, I find my analytical nature to be detrimental.

As much as it is natural for the introvert to find themselves in deep thought, I need to strive for only a healthy dose of the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole.

Put On Your Dancing Shoes...Or Not.

Weddings are particularly difficult events to attend, especially when I know few people. Being assigned to sit at a table full of strangers that I will eventually have to make small talk with is nervewracking, yet I have spent the prior week mentally preparing myself for this so I generally survive dinner.

But dinner chitchat pales in comparison to what inevitably comes next: dancing.

No, it's not talking, but dancing is absolutely a form of social interaction that can be just as problematic for an introvert as picking up the telephone. Don't get me wrong, I love a wedding like most every other girl on the planet. I tear up during the ceremony, critique every ounce of decor, and gossip about everyone in attendance. But when the lights go down and the music starts to play, I would prefer to sit back and watch.

Most of my relatives and friends are perplexed. I competitively danced for 10 years, which required me to get up on stage in front of a huge audience multiple times a year and...well, dance. To me, the distinction is clear. Just as I can flawlessly deliver a prepared speech, I can perform a choreographed dance routine. I used to spend months practicing exactly what I was going to do. The idea of getting up at a wedding and having to dance freestyle puts me in instant panic mode. There's nothing planned about it. I'll happily slow dance because I know what I'm required to do: sway back and forth in a circle. Got it.

As a result, I'm perfectly content with sitting and watching the throng of people Shouting and Love Shacking. This, however, does not sit well with most people. What irks me most is that others attending the wedding just won't stand for my lack of participation. They perceive it as a cry for help, coming over and begging you to dance or even asking what's wrong. They mean well, but it is so frustrating to listen to these comments and nudges to do something you have no desire to do. I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Believe it or not, I am enjoying myself just taking it all in!

It's my own fault. Sitting there while most people are up dancing makes me a target. From now on, it's obviously in my best interest to get up and keep myself busy when the dancing begins. It's just another example of a situation where I need to learn to adapt as an introvert.

As for my own wedding, I jokingly tell my boyfriend that if we decide to marry, I will be signing us up for dance lessons. I'm not so sure how much of a joke it is anymore.

Amazing Blog

I can't believe I haven't come across this introvert blog before now, but what an awesome post about post-graduate life as an introvert by Sophia Dembling:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201105/graduation-day-introverts-step-out-the-real-world

I think the best advise she gives is, "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you have to be extroverted to succeed. All that's really necessary for success is a vision, a plan, confidence, and focus. And a lot of hard work. And some luck."

So well said and so motivating.

I'm In Love With An Extrovert

Throughout my life, I have always found myself in relationships with extroverts and I have told myself to seek out someone quieter like me. Yet time and time again, I am with Mr. Social Butterfly, leading me to believe we are often attracted to what we are not.

Per my usual trend, my most recent significant other is a complete extrovert. I often admire how naturally socializing comes to him. While traveling the halls of our law school, he would wave to and chat with almost every passerby, while I awkwardly grinned and attempted (by attempted, I mean failed) to engage in the small talk. Our personality differences were obvious to me, but I never gave it much thought and it had not interfered with our relationship.

And then it happened. After about a year and a half of dating, he finally lost his patience and asked me why I seemed so uncomfortable around his family. Did I dislike them? If things didn't change, he was going to have to think about things, he said.

I had no words for him. All I could provide in response was a complete breakdown. In my mind, I had been making huge efforts and quite frankly, I thought I was doing well. Admittedly, I was quiet when in a small group of his very outgoing family, but I was quiet when I was with my own very outgoing family. After countless heartbreaks, this was the guy I knew I wanted to be with and if I could not change for him, how could I ever have a successful relationship? Why was I so ridiculous and unable to be his outgoing counterpart?

After much self-loathing and thought, I realized it was simple. My introversion would not change, and I was not going to live a life trying to alter something about myself that was no less permanent than my blue eyes. My boyfriend would have to try to understand me, or our relationship would have to end.

I knew I had to try to reason with him, but the explanation would be the hard part. I feverishly searched for articles that I felt best described what it meant to be an introvert, because although I could put my daily experiences into words, I thought it would be most helpful for him to see I am not alone. I went as far as highlighting the sentences I related to most and giving examples from my own life. I e-mailed this information to him and crossed my fingers.

Being the wonderful guy my boyfriend is, he actually took the time to sit and digest the articles. He did not pretend to completely understand or relate, but he acknowledged that introversion exists, and that it is not wrong to be that way. I was not someone to be fixed, I was someone to be accepted. There was no bigger relief for me than to be accepted by the person I love. Now, we are constantly poking fun at each other's personality. I ride him about his political wave and chit chat with anything that breathes, and he teases me about my embarrassing affair with reality television (yes, I just outed myself). The joking eases the tension surrounding the issue, and it is something we would have argued about had we never had the discussion.

Extroverts are far from jerks. They just can not grasp the idea of introversion and its hallmark of socializing being draining. We live in a world dominated by extroverts, so it is easy to see how an extrovert can misinterpret an introvert as antisocial, shy, surly, or even rude. For them, a social outing is as easy and instinctual as waking up in the morning. When an extrovert and an introvert are in a relationship they want to last, it is so so so important to have a frank discussion about who you both are and whether it is something each of you can accept. Your extrovert does not need to fully understand your introversion, but you must demand he/she respect it.

And it is not all on the extroverts. Us introverts need to compromise too. If your significant other will accept that you may only want to go out with a group one weekend night, it behooves you to be as socially "on" as you can when you do attend a function. Your partner will appreciate the extra effort you make to engage, just as you will appreciate the following day of quiet time.

Have I figured out the perfect balance yet? No. I still have a lot of work to do in compromising. Does my boyfriend still get upset when I retreat into myself? Probably. Has he ever given me a hard time about it since our discussion? Never, which tells me he respects me and that is all I can ask for.

Extroverted-introverted relationships are far from impossible. Just have the discussion as early as possible and talk it out. You will likely find out you complement each other well!

Good Read

This article is so on point, it's a must-read for anyone trying to understand introverts. There's a lot of sarcasm directed toward extroverts, but it's all in good fun.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

There is too much wonderful content to point out but one of my favorite lines is "This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. "

Enjoy!

How About I Call You Back?

As an introvert, I cannot express how much I hate the phone.

I have always detested the phone, even as a child. Nothing was worse than hearing the dreaded "Call your aunt to thank her for your birthday gift". "Right now?", I would ask. Begrudgingly, pick up the phone and pray for the answering machine.

Not much has changed.

Unexpected phone calls are much worse than scheduled ones, for two reasons. One, I am completely unprepared and know I will likely have to engage in chit-chat with the caller. Often, after the call ends and I have had time to process what the caller said, I end up berating myself because I should have said this or that. And sometimes, god forbid, it results in me having to call back. Two, if I'm in the middle of a task, I feel completely thrown off and interrupted, because I like to place all my focus on one thing. Nothing about an unexpected phone call is on my terms, as selfish and ridiculous as it sounds.

Picking up the phone to call out is even worse. My heart starts racing no matter how many times I yell at myself to "Relax! It's just a phone call." Yes, that's more a symptom of anxiety than introversion. But, I believe I've made myself phone-anxious because I know the second the person on the other line starts talking about something outside the direct point of the call, I'll be thrown off.

At home, I can easily let my cell phone go to voicemail if I don't recognize the number (Thank you, caller ID!). If it's an important call, a message will be left and I then know what the caller needs from me. It's also much easier for me to engage in a phone conversation with someone I am familiar with, but there are even times when I don't feel up to talking to a friend. Work presents a much different situation. I'm a paralegal, which requires me to constantly communicate via the phone. Letting the call go to voicemail is an office no-no. The piece of plastic with its blinking lights might as well be mocking me all day. The phone rings and I let out an automatic, audible groan. My cubicle neighbors undoubtedly think I'm bananas.

The reality of the situation is that I can't go through life avoiding the phone. Nor can any introvert. Does anyone else avoid the phone like the plague? Any techniques? I have found that at work, doodling on a post-it helps. Sure, the resulting zigzags and lines drawn over and over again would probably raise the eyebrow of a psychologist or two, but it really reduces my tension during the call. When I have to call out, I draft a quick list of points I need to make. At home, I schedule a time to return calls so I can mentally prepare myself.

I'm really working on ways to calm my phone dread. As much as I accept being an introvert, there are just some introvert adverse things in life I must accommodate. I need and want to conquer this.

If nothing else, thank god for e-mail.

Recharging

Once I began reading about introversion, I kept coming across an aspect of the trait that rang so true with me I almost jumped out of my chair.

Recharging.

It is the concept that an introvert does not necessarily dislike people, but an introvert tends to require time to rest after engaging in social interaction with a group of people. Quite frankly, it sounded pathetic to me as a 25 year old girl. I should want to be out until all hours at a bar, shouldn't I? At the same time, I realized "recharging" reflects exactly how I behave, and have behaved my entire life. How many weekends where I spent more than one night out with family or friends was I exhausted after? Countless. It is not that I don't want to socialize. Trust me, I do! I just like to do so in small quantities. I crave alone time after a night out. Me, myself, and the TV or a book. Going without my alone time results in what I like to think of as social shutdown where while at a social gathering I will likely sit in silence, only responding when being spoken to as to not be rude.

It honestly feels like an instinctual reaction. As nutty as it sounds, I physically cannot muster up the effort to engage in small talk if I haven't had time to myself. No matter how much I try to pep talk myself (anyone else do this?) or try to snap out of it, I can't. Anything that requires consecutive days of socialization (being in a wedding, for instance) is a source of stress.

Now that I understand this is a typical reaction for an introvert, I don't think of myself as strange for feeling the need to be alone at times. My goal is to make sure that I make plans accordingly, and not feel guilty saying no to certain social functions so that I can enjoy the social events I do attend as much as possible without entering social shutdown mode.

Has anyone else experienced this?